It seems as if he is confused as well. We like to deny it, but men go through great turmoil if involved in an extra marital relationship. Since you mention that he wants this marriage , its possible that the ‘friendship’ or camaraderie he is feeling for the other woman is really exactly that.

Are you financially independent? Its always good to be so. Somehow I feel that you should work on the marriage. Keep all lines of communication open. Let him unburden himself, by talking to you if he is so inclined.

Most importantly, you have to live in the present. take each day as it comes. Try not to harbour negative feelings against him. After all he is the father of your child..you both must have shared something earlier. Try to live from that space..of love and understanding. It is so easy to call it quits..but I sense your disinclination..and rightly so. Keep the environment in the house positive, so that you do not feel unnecessarily drained.

It does not seem as if your marriage has reached the point of no return. Sometimes, a wife has to be the more mature one in the relationship..since she is a mother. Analyse your situation fairly, as if seeing it from the outside. Also try and understand the cause for strain.Let not jealousy be the sole factor. Often it is misplaced. Let this time pass. All will eventually turn out well. Take care

I am caught up in the same situation wherein my husband does want to live in this marriage at the same time goes about having his affair too, also doesnt want to fulfill all his duties towards me. At one time he says she is just a friend now and likes talking to her at other times he feels like running away from all worldly pleasures but goes about buying cars and materialistic things, hypocrit. Do you people think i should go about with this marriage, I still want to save it for i love him and also for my daughter (2 yrs). Do you not think that why should my child be deprived of her father’s love, but at the same time I am caught in this marriage where everyday I have to mentally prepare myself to accept the fact that my husband loves someone else.

so good to see you back:).. I reckoned perhaps your comp had decided to play truant again..

So you in bangalore now? Yeah I heard of that ghastly murder..

good n bad coexist n we have to reinforce the spirit within which recognises the harmonious..

And its great you have strung on to the rhythm of cheer.. it wont let you down..

we are doing fine.. missed you tho..as also dim n few others. it has been a disturbing fortnight.. But dark clouds have vanished now:)

Take care

yesterday the murder of the lady in bangalore… saw police around our locality that has a girlz hostel for an mba college… marriage.. huh.. dunno… just tat lifez heading down the highway of hell n even i cant escape:))

hope ur doing gud n miss the blog world.. wud be bac soon…
love

saptarshi

Hey and cynicism doesnt fall well on young girls.. dont be.. and never give up on love.. open yourself to it and feel it creeping back into your life. How about keeping some fresh flowers or a snap of these .. roses or whatever in your bedroom? South west corner preferably..

you got me laughing tho:)))

btw what i meant to say earlier is that maternal feelings seem to be influenced by social conditioning a great deal…
sometimes the tug at the heart is natural and sometimes its forced by guilt…
i was thinking of that as a reason for why a woman does not leave home even if she sees potential happiness…
more later
i promise to be more coherent

Motherhood is not social conditioning nandini.. May I remind you that is only the woman who can procreate:) It was meant to be so..Whether marriage was an institution or a social construct is what we should be re assessing.

If ALL childen were conditioned to nuclear families or rather single parent ones, then the matter would be of less concern. And is that what we are moving towards is what is the scope here.

Is it better never to be married and have a child out of choice without pledging lifelong partnership? Or should marriage be more permissive in allowing for extra marital affirs? Or should marriage in its traditional connotation be re affirmed with fresh vigor?

These are questions born of the present state of events.

i agree wholeheartedly that children need a father they need a mother and they need a stable home but it’s not a guarantee…
divorce obviously means two unhappy, angry, bitter or at least dissatisfied adults…so i can understand how the children suffer…
but what if marraige wasn’t the way it is today and whether they were together or not children had two happy adults…
i know i sound half crazy or idealistic…but it’s a genuine thought!

yeah..I have often felt the need for orientation classes at college levels which deal with relationships, their demands and clues to making a successful one. Youngsters need to be guided however much they may feel like ‘know alls’ in matters of the heart. But honestly, love , marriage, responsibility and committment are complex issues.

One may shrug off a failed relationship with ‘who cares a damn’..but it does take its toll on both men and women. Alternatively a blossoming relationship can add the zing to an otherwise stressed life. We live in times when nothing is given to us on a platter except maybe pre-digested news and quite an overdose of it. Other than that we have to work at keeping it going..this does require a level headedness, a preparedness and a calm outlook.Again not given to us but has to be earned. Misguided priorities can wreck havoc on an otherwise fuitful relationship.

Puja,
It definitely was not a rant. You managed to convey the scene so clearly. It moved me. It is real and painful. Its very difficult to make anyone accept ‘right behaviour’ extraneously. Either it comes from within or is then an appendage which will expose its artificiality sooner than later.

So true.. he should look for reasons to be loyal instead. Or its just a jusification exercise to soothe his guilt ridden nerves.

Nandini,

I have been privy to many a marriage go astray for more or less the same reasons as depicted in Prf Matuknaths case. Besides, it is not limited to just a marriage falling apart but the fraility of the institution as a whole. I was reading a report which spoke of live in arrangements and kids from those being torn apart in custody battles. So bad enough that legally the kid has problems in identification but is up against custody hassles as well.

The fact that the professor and his paramour were finally garlanded, is only tell tale of the societal mood prevalent. Modernity has taken on a garb which has made inroads into relationships and the dynamics therein. Permissiveness is going to lead us into areas which may metamorph the current customs and accepted traditions. We have to be ready and think ahead. Children need moorings and roots, for a balanced atmosphere. The fact that brats can come out of either situation for or against, does not nullify the need for a father in ones life. Especially in a scenario where other kids may have.

Anonymous you have a point. I see that you have been honest perhaps anonymity aids veracity:) So atleast one sphere where it is not being misused. You agree that men are polygamous by nature and it is in our interest to accept it. While what you say may be true it may not necessarily be right. If anything, life is also about control, discipline and decorum. Nothing has and can come out of irresponsibility or a denial of virtuousness. While only good accrues from following a code which benefits all and is free of self serving agendas.

Dont get married if loyalty, responsibility are issues you cannot cope with. But if you have entered into this arrangement then rules must be followed.