A random query inviting responses is making its rounds on Facebook presently worded in this fashion’ Woman needs a reason to be unfaithful.. Man needs but.. a woman”. True..I’d say. Not meaning to generalise yet concurrence is mandatory even if mordant.
A childhood friend, lets call her A, from as far back as school times is presently in a state of shock. Her marriage of 24 years is facing a nightmarish challenge. Having lived a life replete with luxuries and peace, harmony and joy for so long,makes matters worse. Why now? This was the time men return to home to roost.. and she had just discovered that her husband had been having an affair for the past couple of years.
Glaring signs had made their presence felt for some time now. She had confided in me that she was often embarassed at her husbands sudden lecherous ways. He, a fifty plus gentleman, had bought himself a bike (dear me ) sports gear with the latest Bond-ish sunglasses and was busy zipping around town, sometimes dressed in the shortest of shorts.
I laughed it off then citing ‘male menopause’ as the sole reason when men in an effort to validate their sex appeal make for the weirdest and often ludicrous behavioural patterns. Advising her to gracefully ignore his testosterone driven libidinous ways, I suggested that she busy herself with activities that reinforce her individuality, rather than dwell on his escapades, simultaneously assuring her that this was a non serious outre and all will be well.
Since she is settled abroad, we meet once a year. On her visit this time seeing her distraught, one knew immediately that she was in hell hole. She confided that she had discovered via text messages on his mobile, unexplained absences, lack of intimacy on any level and a brusqueness of behaviour that he had been having physical relations with a married woman, much below their strata of society.
At the receiving end of taunts that bordered on humiliation he often berated her with remarks such as she was not somebody he could have an intelligent conversation with. Right!! I guess that is what he was doing in bed with that flower woman!! Having an intelligent conversation with. Some intelligence..that sprang from you-know-where!
Its bad enough that he felt the need to stray. What brings the bile up is the fact that he actually had the gumption to cite her shortcomings ( perceived) as reason!! What a cheapskate!! How come she was the ideal woman when the three strapping sons were in need of a childhood and his business was floundering? Now that all was hunky dory on every front, the children grown up, huge savings, the man suddenly realised that impotence day was dawning close. So he gets at it as if sex was going out of fashion next month!!
Its not just this case, but look all around..men are going astray. Period. Reasons are too many to quote but none of them moral or valid enough for me to waste my post on. Before our male readers throw a fit allow ma a clarification. Yes.. plenty of women too who seem to be going that route. But..a strong but..much fewer. Its not endemic presently and hope never gets to be so.
The most cultured, sophisticated, enlightened, educated, of men when ‘caught’ by his spouse will invariably, coupled with a hangdog expression, guilt in his eyes and slumping shoulders, mournfully declare ” But it is you I love.. that was ..nothing.. just a fling/mistake/whatever” So we moronic wives are supposed to go wobbly kneed at the declaration of love from an adulterous husband and the supposed assurance that ‘oh he doesnt love the other woman’!
So what is love all about then if not about commitment?! Isnt loyalty, faithfulness the sine qua non of any marriage? Seems not..Its chichi, oh so trendy to be ‘involved’!
Benjamin Franklin in his masochistic erudition, in what he presumes is a cogent argument, declares’ When there is no love in marriage there will be love without marriage”. Another justification ..as if love was a strawberry cake one could pick and feed on, while ascertaining its presence or absence.
What I would also have loved to ask of him most humbly, had he waxed eloquent in my presence is “Sir, what happens when there is Love in marriage, yet love without marriage happens will there now be love in THIS marriage’?
My friend A is at a crossroad I wish for none. She loves and cherishes him dearly. She lives and re lives the moments of happiness they have spent together but now questions and doubts their reality, often wondering if he was in fact unfaithful ever since? I dont blame her and neither do i know what to advise her. Leave the man a part of me says..then.. forgive him. ..for what ? for him to apologise and go back to his flower woman again, this time careful to leave no signs?
There are children who sense and notice, imbibe and learn..does this not prove a deterrent? Is lust that demon-ish that it fire like engulfs clouding all reason? How can anyone throw a lifetime of affection and togetherness away for a few stolen moments of passion? I guess these are questions only the men can answer..if they dare to.
Meanwhile..marriages flounder on..in the hope that soon “all will be well’. That men will finally score over their neanderthal ways and evolve into humans who domesticate as a matter of choice…not be HUNTERS forever. (sigh)
Psst..a clarification.. hubby dear has given me no reason for complaint so far..He has no idea why I get paranoid these days when he decides to wear shorts for his morning walk at carters, He leaves with an amused, questioning look..perhaps thinking to himself’ ‘ Women’!! Hah.. its ‘MEN!! silly who are the bane cum pain of our lives.