Sachiniti

August 25, 2008

Adultery – A Growing Reality

A random query inviting responses is making its rounds on Facebook presently worded in this fashion’ Woman needs a reason to be unfaithful.. Man needs but.. a woman”. True..I’d say. Not meaning to generalise yet  concurrence is mandatory even if mordant.

A childhood friend, lets call her A, from as far back as school times is presently in a state of shock. Her marriage of 24 years is facing a nightmarish challenge. Having lived a life replete with luxuries and peace, harmony and joy for so long,makes matters worse. Why now? This was the time men return to home to roost.. and she had just discovered that her husband had been having an affair for the past couple of years.

Glaring signs  had made their presence felt for some time now. She had confided in me that she was often embarassed at her husbands sudden lecherous ways. He, a fifty plus gentleman, had bought himself a bike (dear me )  sports gear with the latest Bond-ish sunglasses and was busy zipping around town, sometimes dressed in the shortest of shorts.

I laughed it off then citing ‘male menopause’ as the sole reason when men in an effort to validate their sex appeal make for the weirdest and often ludicrous behavioural patterns. Advising her to gracefully ignore his testosterone driven libidinous ways, I suggested that she busy herself with activities that reinforce her individuality, rather than dwell on his escapades, simultaneously assuring her that this was a non serious outre and all will be well.

Since she is settled abroad, we meet once a year. On her visit this time seeing her distraught, one knew immediately that she was in hell hole. She confided that she had discovered via text messages on his mobile, unexplained absences, lack of intimacy on any level and a brusqueness of behaviour that he had been having physical relations with a married woman, much below their strata of society.

At the receiving end of taunts that bordered on humiliation he often berated her with remarks such as  she was not somebody he could have an intelligent conversation with. Right!! I guess that is what he was doing in bed with that flower woman!! Having an intelligent conversation with. Some intelligence..that sprang from you-know-where!

Its bad enough that he felt the need to stray. What brings the bile up is the fact that he actually had the gumption to cite her shortcomings ( perceived) as reason!! What a cheapskate!! How come she was the ideal woman when the three strapping sons were in need of a childhood and his business was floundering? Now that all was hunky dory on every front, the children grown up, huge savings,  the man suddenly realised that impotence day was dawning close. So he gets at it as if sex was going out of fashion next month!!

Its not just this case, but look all around..men are going astray. Period. Reasons are too many to quote but none of them moral or valid enough for me to waste my post on. Before our male readers throw a fit allow ma a clarification. Yes.. plenty of women too who seem to be going that route. But..a strong but..much fewer. Its not endemic presently and hope never gets to be so.

The most cultured, sophisticated, enlightened, educated, of men when ‘caught’ by his spouse will invariably, coupled with a hangdog expression, guilt in his eyes and slumping shoulders, mournfully declare ” But it is you I love.. that was ..nothing.. just a fling/mistake/whatever” So we moronic wives are supposed to go wobbly kneed at the declaration of love from an adulterous husband and the supposed assurance that ‘oh he doesnt love the other woman’!

So what is love all about then if not about commitment?! Isnt loyalty, faithfulness the sine qua non of any marriage? Seems not..Its chichi, oh so trendy to be ‘involved’!

Benjamin Franklin in his masochistic erudition, in what he presumes is a cogent argument, declares’ When there is no love in marriage there will be love without marriage”. Another justification ..as if love was a strawberry cake one could pick and feed on, while ascertaining its presence or absence.

What I would also have loved to ask of him most humbly, had he waxed eloquent in my presence is “Sir, what happens when there is Love in marriage, yet love without marriage happens will there now be love in THIS marriage’?

My friend A is at a crossroad I wish for none. She loves and cherishes him dearly. She lives and re lives the moments of happiness they have spent together but now questions and doubts their reality, often wondering if he was in fact unfaithful ever since? I dont blame her and neither do i know what to advise her. Leave the man a part of me says..then.. forgive him. ..for what ? for him to apologise and go back to his flower woman again, this time careful to leave no signs?

There are children who sense and notice, imbibe and learn..does this not prove a deterrent? Is lust that demon-ish that it fire like engulfs  clouding all reason? How can anyone throw a lifetime of affection and togetherness away for a few stolen moments of passion? I guess these are questions only the men can answer..if they dare to.

Meanwhile..marriages flounder on..in the hope that soon “all will be well’. That men will finally score over their neanderthal ways and evolve into humans who domesticate as a matter of choice…not be HUNTERS forever. (sigh)

Psst..a clarification.. hubby dear has given me no reason for complaint so far..He has no idea why I get paranoid these days when he decides to wear shorts for his morning walk at carters, He leaves with an amused, questioning look..perhaps thinking to himself’ ‘ Women’!! Hah.. its ‘MEN!! silly who are the bane cum pain of our lives.

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40 Comments »

  1. too tooo too good!!

    Comment by Neha — August 25, 2008 @ 3:47 pm | Reply

  2. Men genetically were not born to be monogomous. I wonder if this is the reason why the islamic culture allows polygomy and why the maharajas of the past had multiple wives. All to avoid the issue of an “affair”. Why is it that men are always to blame?

    Comment by The Yogi — August 26, 2008 @ 2:56 am | Reply

  3. Neha…I think you are one of my earliest readers..thanks and all.. be always as mad as you are.

    Yogi..In the early days maybe the sex ratio vis a vis man to woman may have tilted towards men therefore the need for polygamy. I am only conjecturing here.As for Islamic culture I think it had to do with wars and widows syndrome.It was considered an act of extreme charity and goodness to marry a destitute woman but it had to be dome with the permission of the previous wife. Today you know how this is being manipulated to suit all needs.

    My intention was not to blame men.But you know in a topic such as this its not possible to ignore them either..after all there are just two kinds, mostly, men and women 🙂

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — August 26, 2008 @ 8:48 am | Reply

  4. I will be visiting your blog often..Loved what I read..opens up vistas of thought.Great.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — August 26, 2008 @ 8:50 am | Reply

  5. Kaveetas if you were talking about my blog, please comment. I would love to hear your thoughts.. it is a transformation in progress.. By the way are you Kashmiri?

    Comment by The Yogi — August 26, 2008 @ 9:48 am | Reply

  6. Hi Kaveetaa !

    After long, I read this thought “proovoking”(pun intended) piece.
    But don’t we all know that such itchy news is given a prominence by media justifying it as a “Trend”, perhaps a part of their marketing strategy? When I mention media, it’s all types,whether print, electronic , web or stage or screen
    And the POLYGAMY was not confined to Islam . Even Hindus in India used to have more than one wife,till 1955 when the HIndu Marriage Act, banned it and made it an offence under IPC. But here again the catch is that only the ‘Affected first wife” is eligible to file a criminal complaint. Even the government is helpless to curb this, in absence of such a complaint .Examples galore and not merely confined to the Glamour world.Aand if it’s not a legal or “declared “marrage, then there is modern judicial activism, which indirectly approves of such “aliances” but just fixing a share in property for the “other woman”as a solace.but thee Man is never punished for such a liasioning or adultrous relationship.
    As for your hubby, he appears to be a Lotus, who keeps himself afloat without getting immersed in the “Muddy water” of this glamour world.
    Let us have such thought provoking sessions often. Would be interested to know what your distrought friend wants to do in such circumstances, apart from your counselling.
    Regards

    Mohan

    Comment by Mohan Siroya — August 26, 2008 @ 3:46 pm | Reply

  7. P.S. Hope you recd. my mail, inviting you to visit my website http://www.shadowplayindia.com for new material under ” Celebrations & Awards”

    Mohan

    Comment by Mohan Siroya — August 26, 2008 @ 3:49 pm | Reply

  8. Yes Yogi I was talking of your blog 🙂 I am a Kashmiri by marriage, born a Punjabi.

    Hello Mohan ji..so nice.Yes I do realise that anything to do with sensationalism these days is hot property these days..even if
    at the cost of sentiments and privacy of people. Polygamy is another issue. Adultery is quite something else I think..less serious from the pov of future inheritance and all of that but equally if not more rampant since the responsibility for ones actions is negligible.It is a matter of going scot free until you are caught. So the onus is on the spouse to prove the adulterous ways of the other. This is the reason that it goes on unchecked.

    As for my friend, she has moved out and is living in another country with her three sons. Apparently the couple has not broken off all ties since he comes to visit her and the kids, since he is living alone across the globe. I daresay this arrangement suits him fine..maybe this is what he was angling for. things are more or less on status quo as of now. till certain financial issues are not discussed. it would be foolish to advise her to dump it all and return financially bankrupt… so lets see what the final outcome will be.Point is a broken heart can never be mended..the rest is all humbug.

    Oh yes….hubby is one of the rare species I presume..touch wood.

    No I havent received your mail..but will surely visit your blog. Its always a pleasure reading your writings.

    Regards
    Kaveetaa

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — August 27, 2008 @ 8:23 am | Reply

  9. Ok cool.. im punjabi as well.. but hindi comes more naturally, though I think in English and I am desparately trying to deprogram myself. I would love to see a post from you on the movie Singh is Kiing..I think anything from you on this phenomena of blending english titles into movies such as “jub we met”.. etal.. I would love for a modern indian’s perspective. My culture is locked from 30 years ago and I cannot seem to move forward from it despite many trips to India.

    I am sorry to hear about your friend is having to move to a 3rd country. So she remains married for financial reasons only? If she didnt get financially bankrupted would she have left him? I know of a situation where the wife took a close emotional friendship between her husband and another person beyond a close friendship….. amplified it.. filed for divorce in 3 weeks of coming to that conclusion and has carried a malicious battle and fight for everything…burning up everything in the process including disrupting the lives of two young children…. Here is an example of another extreme.. you wonder why the husband went emotionally astray in the first place. All for the money.. fighting for pennies..

    Comment by The Yogi — August 27, 2008 @ 9:57 am | Reply

  10. Cool…Men are going astray all over the place….(How can they without a woman?)

    Comment by Arun — August 27, 2008 @ 6:19 pm | Reply

  11. Moral of the story is ….
    Being practical in financial and personal lives is the best approach towards leading a happy life.

    No relationship is permanent and everyone in that relationship should be a equal stakeholder to take it forward.

    Marriage is a baggage we are carrying it and it needs to be revisited as times are changing.
    Live in relationships is probably the best for future generations as the concept of marriage is loosing its shine.
    –sri

    Comment by sri — August 27, 2008 @ 9:19 pm | Reply

  12. Oh yogi.. you a punjabi too…good to hear that.Not much of a Punjabi speaking on myself , my attempts sound terribly artificial though i try to to manage the heavy ‘bh’ like a pro but fail miserably. I love the sound of it though..its getting rarer and rarer..kahaan gaye woh log.

    I havent seen SIK. Films ar a reflection of our times. I believe this title was lifted. literally from a slogan behind a truck in Punjab.. so you know what i mean.

    As to your query on A. Its a little complicated as of now. Its not just about the money. She is WEALTHY from being an heir to quite a fortune. I guess some kind of maintenance from him is not just fair but she is using it as an excuse to prolong their relationship. Like I said in the post she is very attracted to him even now as well as emotionally bonded. Its difficult you know to break off a marriage ven on these provoked circumstances. A major part of her and me says ‘ excuse him..he will come back’. But honestly its so demeaning.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — August 28, 2008 @ 10:52 am | Reply

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    Comment by netfandu — August 28, 2008 @ 4:04 pm | Reply

  14. I do understand that over simplification is at play here, nonetheless, I fail to comprehend how this blight (in general) is the sole responsibility of men, unless ofcourse we are talking about cowboys cheating on their wife by target practicing on empty soda cans on Broke Back mountain.

    Comment by Shaan Khan — August 28, 2008 @ 7:39 pm | Reply

  15. sri, shaan.. will get back soon.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — August 28, 2008 @ 8:47 pm | Reply

  16. Kav

    My loyal 75+ years old Rahmin Chacha, who has worked in our house for 60+ years, on reading this post, and my response to your post, asked me to state on his behalf that “Taali Do Haath Se Bajti Hai”. Please pardon his cryptic comment, he was worked for too long at our house and now emulates us even without knowing it. But here is to a hope, that you understand what he means. I have to tell you, the weird old Rahim Chacha, after he made that comment, walked away singing, “Do Bichare, Binna Sahare, Bin Taale Ki Chabi Lekar Firte Maare Maare, Main Hoon Raja, Hey Hai Rana, Dono Mil Kar Gaye Gana”

    Comment by Shaan Khan — August 28, 2008 @ 9:24 pm | Reply

  17. Sri..your comment is interesting in so much as it reflects the tilt towards a no string kind of relationship we seem to be inching towards. Some time back i had written a post which your comment is as if echoing

    https://sachiniti.wordpress.com/2006/07/22/marriage-coming-of-age/

    What about good ole LOVE?

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — August 30, 2008 @ 1:36 pm | Reply

  18. Shaan..this is the oldest excuse in the book..The one that men often shrug their shoulders nonchalantly and mouth ‘ taali dono haathon se bajti hai’ to infer that a woman is involved as well. I fail to understand how that legitimises the bewafaii of the man or lessens his act.

    In any case the woman he is involved in maybe an unmarried person, or a divorcee or whatever. In As case the woman wasnt married. So there..

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — August 30, 2008 @ 1:41 pm | Reply

  19. Kaveetaa I have to agree with Shaan. Taali to be kabhi ek haath se nahi bajti..but at the same time there is no excuse for a man to do what a man does.. I put it right back to instincts and what in ingrained in men as animals. But what compels many is the other haath in the taali. There is usually a consequence. I think women react based on their instincts. I am not trying to put one above the other. If you can accept it by understanding “Why men do it”..it probably will create less divorce situations especially here in the US, where women are now most empowered to tear up families by filing for divorce. Majority of the divorce cases in the US are filed by women. What neither person thinks of are the children. They are the unheard and hurt voices.

    Comment by The Yogi — August 30, 2008 @ 10:28 pm | Reply

  20. Kaveetaa,

    I feel sorry for your friend.. whatever has happened is unfortunate.. But i believe such cases are an exception and not a norm.. also as shaan and yogi are saying, i would also say that taali ek haath se nahi bajti..

    Leave alone US, in fact in India also, there are increasing incidents of pre marital sex, which is of course not a good sign at all.. These tendencies also affect the sacred institution of marriage.. Both men and women are to be blamed for this.. so in present times, labelling only men as neanderthal is like taking a holier than thou attitude..

    Comment by Rajeev — August 31, 2008 @ 8:02 pm | Reply

  21. Kaveetaa even though I am a male and a proud one at that i have no qualms at all in admitting that men if occasion permits will not leave a chance to flirt. If generalisations are odious I can safely say this is with regard to a large percentage which make up that mass. it does not include me but i do not constitute the mass and am man enough to admit that in a changing world with easy social strictures, marriage is not something that comes in the way of an affir. And no I do not agree with the taali bit because only one of them could be married and it is not incumbent on the unmarried to enforces norms.

    Pre marital sex is not the issue at hand. Would any of you like your daughter to be in this situation?

    Comment by Dilip — August 31, 2008 @ 11:22 pm | Reply

  22. Any sane person will grieve the loss and pain that results from an impasse in a marriage. Surely, marriage is a sacred institution, anyone who damages or dents it, does a moral wrong. This applies to the spouse (male and female) who seeks thrills ride outside of the marriage, as well as the person who aids and abets such a ride. Why blame just the cheating spouse, is not the aider and abettor equally responsible for the damage to the marriage ?

    I understand that some age-old gender bias assigns innocence to single women in such matters and blames just the men. Rahim Chacha, in such matters, differs, he says, “Na Sau Munn Teil Na Radha Raja Naachega”. Society must looks for better solutions for such problem, rather than jump to blame men alone. Straight, normal, men today are the most endangered species on this planet. I would like to recite Dr. King’s words to all those who are quick to blame men, for all the ills in today’s world:

    I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be.
    You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be.

    Comment by Shaan Khan — September 1, 2008 @ 4:40 am | Reply

  23. Rajeev, Yogi, Shaan since all of you seem agree with each other, am addressing you together. For the ‘taali’ bit please ponder on this one.

    Lets take a hypothetical situation where a spouse has got involved in a drug addiction, would you blame the ‘dealer’ or apply the taali syndrome here, call him an aider and abettor and all of that? It is a similar situation imo.

    I am not blaming men ..please read my post again. I am highlighting as you rightly put an ‘instinct’ men have genetically inherited, which ought to be curbed.

    Lets not take it personally but respond from a space of ‘general good’ so that we can perceive the situation as it is and from the pov of the aggrieved party. If anything my attempt was to set men thinking, those men for who affairs or ‘flings’ as they nonchalantly put it in as if to minimise its seriousness, mean nothing or little. Buddy, you are hurting a loving heart and in the long run it wont do you any good. One sigh is akin to a blazing fire that can smoke up your life in a million ways. Betrayal never goes unaccounted for. “Menakas’ have existed from the times of the Rishis, but that is no excuse really.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — September 1, 2008 @ 8:13 am | Reply

  24. Divorce is normally the last option. Even in the case of A no matter how disgruntled she is , yet she has shied away from taking this drastic a step. However divorce is just a formal statement of a broken marriage. Its not essential to have one to prove the point of no return.

    Yogi i gather from your comment that you are against this breaking down. Was curious to know how would you react to a cheating spouse? Would you continue with the marriage irrespective?Just wanted a male pov.

    And about kids being the hurt unheard voices, dont you think that the husband ought to have been topmost in his mind before he decided to have a roll in the hay with a nymphet? Why is it that its always the woman who has to be the responsible, mature, giving tolerant partner ever ready to sacrifice her sense of self respect and dignity, swallow her hurt and dry up her tears all in the name of a ‘keeping a family together’ ? Why shouldnt it be the primary focus of a man as well..if not anything else then at least to keep his wandering genes under check?

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — September 1, 2008 @ 9:02 am | Reply

  25. Rajeev..yes you righty point out that pre marital promiscuousness is a growing concern and material for another post. I dont know if it necessarily need filter down to adultery.

    Dilip..agree in toto..

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — September 1, 2008 @ 10:59 am | Reply

  26. So okay let us examine even this argument for the sake of it that ‘taali dono hath se bajti hai’. Married men when they have an affair will Always make a big sad tamasha of their marriage to the woman sometimes promising her marriage after the divorce..asking her to hang on…So actually he is deceiving both his wife and his mistress. .the unsuspecting mistress will continue her affair if the guy now acts as if he loves her so how can you blame her? She has been swindled into an affair. if she is not one of these n then she is a professional whore who is just doing her job so is not to be blamed. I dont believe just anyone will have an affair with a married man for nothing..Why waste time over a dead end?
    and of course there is another type.. boss secretary relationship. Here too the man has exploited his position!!! Tell me of another example..so the taali angle is WRONG!!!

    Comment by Neha — September 1, 2008 @ 2:16 pm | Reply

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    Comment by Richa — September 1, 2008 @ 3:44 pm | Reply

  28. Kaveetaa,

    Agreed pre marital issues cannot be considered as an adultery.. But think that is also something which may cast a shadow/haunt back on happy marriages..

    Neha – The cases you have mentioned cannot be generalized..It all boils down to the 2 individuals who are involved in the wed lock or relationship…

    Under any circumstance adultery is not good.. As yogi has rightly mentioned sometimes just suspicions of adultery can lead to relationship break downs..In fact people have committed crimes just on the basis of their suspicions..

    Comment by Rajeev — September 1, 2008 @ 8:19 pm | Reply

  29. The law is very clear on the issue of aiding and abetting. Say for example a person (man or woman) goes to a Bar, gets drunk and then while driving home kills someone in an accident (because he/she was driving while impaired). In such a case, both, the person as well as the Bar, are liable. Regardless of the fact that the Bar may have a legal license to sell alcohol, it is held responsible for its part in getting the person impaired (which was the cause of the accident). Hence, either you accept that marriage is sacred and that its integrity respected or find excuses to give an out to the responsible parties. I would like to think that a woman would have some shame and would not do anything that would lead to the breakdown of some other woman’s marriage. What happens to the Sisterhood of Traveling Pants when it is really needed ? or is this “Sisterhood” just a sham ? In any case, ignorance is not an excuse.

    In the end both the genders are at fault for this blight. Rather than blame men alone, constructive solutions would be more welcome.

    Comment by Shaan Khan — September 1, 2008 @ 8:29 pm | Reply

  30. Rajeev I guess excesses at any stage in any sphere is bound to have negative fallouts. So yes pre marital sex can also have consequences.

    Shaan.. please enlighten us with your ‘constructive solutions’.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — September 1, 2008 @ 9:08 pm | Reply

  31. I don’t think one size will fit all. Depending on the region, culture, economical condition there will be different solutions for different folks. But, we can start this journey of a million miles by taking the crucial step of putting an end to the shameful practice of blaming men alone. Let us take a collective responsibility. Blaming just men or labeling women “dumb” & “gullible” will not get us anywhere. I find it apprehensive that in the age of equality some women themselves are so quick to wrongly call other women “dumb”, just so that they can escape from sharing the burden of this problem.

    Comment by Shaan Khan — September 1, 2008 @ 10:30 pm | Reply

  32. Thats a ridiculous comment shaan..you clearly have no solution worth the mention. If blaming women for blaming men is your idea of a constructive solution then its amounts to nothing but zilch.

    Looking inwards and gaging ones acions honestly is my suggestion. Goodness cannot be an acquired trait it has to be innate, inherent while implicitly glowing with purity. None can profess to be Gods but we can all try to be More Human. Forget the woman man scuffle..its childish. there are larger issues at stake.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — September 1, 2008 @ 11:04 pm | Reply

  33. Sure there are larger issues at stake. Therefore it is important to ask what is one willing to do about it. It is time to think outside the box rather than the same old, same old (viz, blame men or blame Shaan for trying). What is important to note (more important than noting that I do not blame anyone one gender selectively and or randomly) is that the blame game is not the solution. If we occupy ourselves with the blame game, then this will continue.

    Comment by Shaan Khan — September 2, 2008 @ 1:39 am | Reply

  34. You must be joking!! How can you go in a merry go round saying the same thing again and again!! dont blame me for calling you dumb now.it sis obvious you have nothing important to say now and are just doing time pass..get a life shaan.

    Comment by Neha — September 2, 2008 @ 10:14 am | Reply

  35. My apologies to those that seek life’s answers in two pages of a blog or in 30 minutes on You tube. Unfortunately, some issues are too complicated to have instant answers. Moreover unless one exhales, preconceived notions & hatred, it would be hard to inhale wisdom.

    Since there has been an attempt to i) Obfuscate positions and ii) Change the nature of the discussion. It is important to state that I am arguing for a) An end to the practice of blaming men for all problems and b) An end to the practice of using the first opportunity to label women as dumb or naïve.

    Judging from this thread it would be hard to imagine if the gravity of the situation is being comprehended. Nonetheless, I am happy that in spite of hysterical name-calling, I stood for the honor of fellow humans (man and women).

    Comment by Shaan Khan — September 2, 2008 @ 7:41 pm | Reply

  36. Shaan ..You do test the patience of most here. You are saying exactly what the author has and pretending it to be an original thought apart from a point of dissension.

    You have a lot of time on your hands.

    Obfuscations, name calling..Nothing of this even remotely happened to have taken place.

    I was hesitant about putting in a comment for fear of its starting off another long confused repartee from you ..which is inevitable now but I will not respond to it..having said what I wanted to.

    Continue with your time pass utterances.

    Comment by Dilip — September 4, 2008 @ 10:58 am | Reply

  37. Dilip

    I support your right to express your thoughts in any manner you choose fit. I also support your right to refuse to see facts even when available. I wish you the best and do not wish to attack you (or anyone for that matter).

    Nonetheless, please note that young and brave American spilled their guts on the beaches of Normandy (thousands of miles away from the shores of USA) not because they had too much time on their hand but because they thought standing up for principles is a virtue. Thanks to their sacrifice today, most of Europe is free. Indeed our freedom and equality is due to the sacrifice of the generation before us.

    I suggest you take a look around. IF you see decay, potholes, and filth, THEN it is only because no one thought it was worthwhile to donate some time to stand up for a better collective life. As I said earlier, it is your right to remain blind, i.e. if you so choose, but allow those with vision to lead.

    Gender bias (in any direction) is wrong.

    Comment by Shaan Khan — September 4, 2008 @ 7:39 pm | Reply

  38. Kaveetaa, Sorry coming a few days late into your comments. Her is the male perspective… people “cheat” for a variety of reasons, but my sense is it is predominantly the male and earlier we discussed the ‘genetic’ reasons, but I think many cheat for emotional or physical reasons. I think in a number of cases the female may subliminally create a disconnect by her actions, that impact the male spouse. I have seen in a number of cases and unhealthy attachment of the wife to her own mother and over indulgence in that relationship over and above the marriage and their husband…that is just one example.. many women may not cheat with another man but they will cheat emotionally in other ways. Just as men have some genetic dispositions, so do women, which in turn become catalysts…

    As for children, just because a man may not be thinking with his head in such a situation, does that give the woman the right to do the same. In the US most women (mothers) will get custody of their children if the choose not to share it … for the reason that they know best for the children.. do they? In most such custody contested situations they women are the ones that act mindless and damage children in the process as they use them as pawns…. Tali donno hatho se he bajti he.. in most cases anyway 🙂

    Comment by The Yogi — September 7, 2008 @ 6:07 pm | Reply

  39. Yogi..that was an erudite response and by golly the most persuasive argument in favor of adultery 🙂

    My contention is : In a situation of a ‘disconnect’ as you put it, how would an adulterous relationship help solve matters? If anything it would widen the chasm between the couple , add insult to injury and maybe even go on to causing health concerns for both coz it is undoubtedly a stressful situation for the man no matter the sense of bravado or fulfillment he may temporarily experience.

    When things happen contrarily to how we would like them to, whether in a relationship, career or any other front, while we can do little to change the circumstance wholly, what remains within our control is our reaction to it.We can either use it to evolve further as human beings, perceiving it as an event positioned in that juncture of our life with a purpose and look for the reason behind the manifest.. the unmanifest message behind a manifest situation and perhaps endeavour to find a way out without causing undue harm emotionally to another, physically and spiritually to our selves.

    Easier said than done? of course.. but that is the purpose of life to I think. To go about unravelling what is in store for you, analysing the deeper meaning, its cause and exploring a path that would lessen further misery. Our one action sows innumerable seeds to ripen into trees with fruit and again innumerable seeds. So its important to watch our actions..

    Perhaps it also points out to the phenomenon of having to face the fruit of past actions.. So what is the way out? I would think a disconnect from that particular agonising fruition by sowing one with a guaranteed delightful outcome..

    I know I have given it a spiritual slant.. but in my experience sometimes that is the recommended way out. Its no point getting entangled into further webs of misery when the door to liberation is within reach.. in the form of a ‘forgive and forget situation’ and a healthy inner mind that emanates only positivity, especially since we know we are akin to magnets where we will attract only what we exude.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — September 8, 2008 @ 11:20 am | Reply

  40. I do not think all men can be blamed for adultery. while many are sex crazy but some might have their own valid reaons. so it wont be proper to generalise. as for women, they commit adultery too. so y only blame the men?
    apart from social pressures, morals and values that we’ve been taught…. there are animal instincts hidden in all of us. i guess some people let the animal within them get the better of them!

    Comment by Janaki — June 19, 2009 @ 11:55 am | Reply


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